Needy of Love

There was one line of the solitude devotional that pierced me to the core this week:

"leaving behind all all other words, ideas, imaginations, and fantasies is learning to enter into the presence of the spirit who dwells in your inner heart, who dwells there in love"

What a needed reminder that the Spirit not only dwells in my inner heart, but that he dwells there IN LOVE.

I'm going to be painfully honest here. I am desperately, agonizingly, needy for love.  I am desperate for someone to tell me, "I love you, you are worth it to me".  When I seek this love from the outside, from people, from affirmation, attention, accomplishments, relationships, etc; the message I so desperately NEED to hear, never quite comes out right and my heart is hurt.  In pain I have built my heart into an iron fortress complete with gates and bolt locks. Only problem is that when I sit in chains behind iron gates of my own making I block the love of the Holy Spirit, that very love that He is DWELLING in, inside my heart, from transcending my inner being and becoming my reality. I am deafening the very message i need, "I love you, you are worth it to me" from ever being heard.  Those iron gates may protect and block me from external injuries but they also block the Spirits love from moving from a message to the foundation of my being.  I am not allowing myself to be loved.  And therefore, am denying my true self.

The very love I so need is within me.  I am loved from my inner being by the creator of the Universe. For so long I was dying of dehydration in the desert and I had dammed up the only river of living water.  In solitude and silence Jesus invites my to take of my dirty rags, unbolt the dead locks and soak in His river, be washed by His blood, and allow his message of love to become not just a message but who I am. For so long admitting my neediness sounded so weak and shameful, I thought Christians weren't needy. What a lie. I was created this way. I was created to desperately and unrelentingly need my savior, to feast on His love, to die without it. I am in need of His love so that I am satisfied with nothing else. In solitude I am filled so that I may search no where else.

Although from time to time, when the iron gates get shut again, like the devo says, the answer is always the same: I do not want to hear what Jesus has to say.

I had hip surgery on Friday and my response has been to totally shut down.  Instead of having quiet times and taking advantage of my immobility to be in solitude with Jesus I have spent the last couple days laying on the couch watching TV and movies. (If anyone is interested Up All Night = best show ever) I realized I was completely avoiding the silence when I put on a tv show so that I could take a nap.  I was so afraid of silence because I didn't want to hear what He had to say! This surgery has forced me to face some of my biggest insecurities and fears and when I finally crutched my broken hip and broken heart off the coach to be in solitude I heard what I didn't want to hear. I am afraid to lose my life. I am afraid to not be able to play soccer, I am afraid of not healing fast enough to be on the water this summer, I am afraid of losing things I love.  Meeting Jesus I was finally able to admit my fears and surrender them, again committing to losing my life and opening my hands was followed with more joy than I could describe. I felt the Spirit unlock the dead bolts from the inside and allow His unconditional love to flow out of my inner being.  His conviction was so soaked and flooded in grace that when I admitted to being afraid of losing my life all I heard was, "I love you so much, you are worth it to me" and in His love I find the courage to surrender my life.