Destroyed

I haven't even made it past the description of what meditation is! I can't! There are a few lines that are literally destroying me today. I can't get past them, I just keep reading them over and over. Forgive me beforehand, this is going to be a bit jumbled.

"We meditate so that every part of our being , our thoughts and our ambitions, are turned to face and honor and glorify him"

As every part of my being is turned to the Lord, I find myself exposed. My dreams my aspirations, my passions needing to be re-wired, re-centered around Christ, I can handle that. I can accept that as necessary and good. What is really uncomfortable is finding that God is calling for my love for Him to turn and face Him. What? Thats supposed to be the only good thing I have going, the fact that I love You! But what I hear Him gently saying is that even my love for Him needs to be stripped of me and my striving for approval and need to feel worthy of love. I find, while turned to God, utterly exposed, that I am Peter. When Jesus reveals that He will be betrayed and Peter ardently denies that it won't be him, even his cry of devotion isn't about Jesus really, its about himself. Peter thinks he will be faithful because of the strength of his love, his own striving for self worth leads him to claim "not me, I'm Peter, the rock". His devotion is about himself, not Jesus. He finds pride in the supposed strength of his love, not Jesus' love. And how the weakness of his love is exposed.

So often I find myself with the same posture of heart as Peter on the water. "not me Lord, I will be obedient, I will follow you without faltering, my love for you is so great". And as He asks me for the third time, "do you love me? (are you even my friend?)" oh how the weakness of my love is exposed. Whatever is done on the water, in my daily life, is not because of the greatness of my love, but of Yours Jesus. So often I want to glorify my love; all glory not to my love, but to Yours.

On another note: So often my meditation, my reflection, my pondering, my praying, my focusing on God's fullness leaves me to invite God to change me. I ask for Him to give me what I am lacking, to modify X, Y, and Z, to make a couple chips there, a few tweaks here, until I look like what I think I'm supposed to look like. But then this quote about meditating just slapped all those prayers in the face.

"We meditate to give God's words the opportunity to penetrate, not just our minds, but our emotions - the place where we hurt - and our will - the place where we make choices and decisions"

I don't need to be fixed. I need to be crucified. I am done with bandaids, I need more. I need God's word to penetrate. I need it to take over. I need to be flooded. My reality, my thoughts my emotions, my motives need to be invaded. Like Steve wrote below; Jesus' blood needs to flood my whitewashed tomb. I don't need new paint, I need God's word to penetrate, to blow up the whole building so it can be re-built from the ground up. I repeat; I need to be crucified.

So You breathe your last; it is finished. And to the final gasp I sing a song of praise and breathe a breath at last. Freedom. Your life; my lungs. Your hands; my nails. Your song I’ve sung. And now I know but do not understand; true life is death in it’s darkest meets Your brightest. No longer my sin that cries crucify, but my soul that cries CRUCIFIED. It is done. For Your death, Your life I live.