Hey all, so this last week had a profound impact on attitude slash view of this summer.
I'm gonna be blunt here, I didn’t want to be a trainee, I wanted to drive.
Total fear and pride issue.
I am straight up scared of this summer.
I have never been in a position where I do not have a certain position or role. Or some kind of schedule to follow, I have always clung to doing the job to the best of my abilities. And my mind is throwing up red flags up telling me I’m free falling cuz I don’t have any of that.
Then that little voice in my head reminds me; “That is the point of being a trainee.” Then I promptly stuff the voice into a box.
Pride was also a bugger, I thought of myself capable enough to be a driver based on my own worth, etc.
I was discontented with my position but despite fear and pride I wanted to serve with Sonshine and most of all serve the Lord.
And in His totally awesome and crazy way God used the same fear and pride that discouraged me from training and used it to keep me on board and not allow myself to quit.
My mentality was messed up therefore my reality was going to get jacked up…by God.
Over the weekend on the Delta God indeed jacked up both my mentality and reality and totally hit my reset button, hard. He spoke through admin and fellow staff and totally opened my eyes.
He made it plain that even though I might not want to train, I was going to. So I had better fix my attitude or… fix my attitude. Reid laid it out very simply during one of the discussions that I could sit there and “grit my teeth” or I can swallow my fear and pride and embrace what God is going to do this summer. That I have to cling to Christ, not a role, and he will carry me through.
My drive home gave me a lot to chew on regarding how I was going to do this. Then about Portland it hit me. Remove the “I” from it all, it’s not me on that houseboat its Christ, He is going to be talking to the campers, not me. And that no matter what I feel like he will sustain me throughout. Because all that fear was fear of self, it was not fear of God. Being a trainee will be my job, befriend encourage model challenge, loving campers, things that God has equipped every one of us for despite what our role is on the boat.
Back home reading and reflecting on this devotional he totally opened my eyes and tied it all together in His awesome way!
"The wind was picking up now, blowing clouds across the moon"
This storm is coming, and for me this storm is this summer.
God is the wind which is picking up
I am the moon, which reflects the light of the Sun/Son
The clouds are my pride and fear. God puts them in front of me so that I may overcome them. And shine the light.
Also the devo Jesus said "Stay up with me"
He asks this of me when all I want to do is run and hide.
Like the disciples Jesus gives me opportunities, throughout my day to work for the glory of his kingdom. And like the disciples I fall asleep/close my eyes/ drift away and work on my own schedule ignoring the one Christ has laid out for me. And in the end all the work done will be for nothing.
"I Trust you Papa" "Whatever you say i will do"
When Christ is speaking with God in the he shows total obedience despite knowing he is about to endure extreme pain and suffering.
Likewise, though I may not be keen on the cards I have been dealt I still must show obedience and cast my own pride and wants aside to follow God’s will. And to trust that He will be there when I fall and will help me up. Overall Trust in him.
God has given me the tools and he has given me the schedule for this summer, it just took me a hard kick to understand that God is not doing this to harm me but to totally revamp my attitude and outlook on my life. That even if it’s not what I want that all my fear and pride is out the window and that my focus and trust is on him when campers hit those docks. In the end I take nothing and give all glory to God.
Though there is a storm approaching, and I am afraid, God reminds me that he is there by my side, and that I am not alone, he has blessed me with people who will come alongside me. That if I want to live for Him this summer then I have to die to myself and cast down my pride.
“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5
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