I always expect that reading a passage on a submissive
lifestyle for Christ will slap me in the face, but wow, this one hurt, a lot.
Submission has been a major theme in my life this year, I
have been confronting my struggle with submission consistently day to day this
year and it has been tough.
It is an overwhelming experience
to fall into the hands of the living God, to be invaded to the depths of one’s
being by his presence, to be, without warning, wholly uprooted from all
earth-born securities and assurances, and to be blown by a tempest of
unbelievable power which leaves one’s old proud self utterly, utterly
defenseless, until one cries. Then is the soul swept into a Loving center of
ineffable sweetness, where calm and unspeakable peace and ravishing joy steal
over one.
I mean wow. Without
warning-uprooted-defenseless-cries. These are the words that shake me, the
world inside of me warning me to run away. The world doesn’t want me to see the
words sweetness, calm, peace, ravishing joy. I’ll get back to that later.
“To live is Christ and to die is….
1.) having people walk over me 2.) Surrendering my rights 3.) Being taken
advantage of. 8.) Vulnerability.
NOOOO!
But I don’t want to, but, but , but, (this is what I’m screaming inside)
Control has always one of my greatest weaknesses. I hate making myself
vulnerable, but I never realized how much that hate affected my life until this
year. After training (by far the most vulnerable experience of my life) I saw
my relationships with friends at school so differently. I have witnessed my
natural tendency to shut down or retaliate when I feel like I am being walked
over, being taken advantage of, or being made vulnerable in my relationships
with others. And it has taken a while to realize that this needs to change.
Two weeks ago, our church had a
guest speaker who shared his life-story. His main message was about submitting
to God. During the sermon I had another one of those, uh-oh moments. Backtrack:
for the preceding few weeks, a good friend and I were very much drifting apart,
for the same reason, I had
recognized a potential to get hurt and I didn’t like the vulnerable feeling so
I stopped going out of my way to demonstrate my love and support. I completely shut
her off to my thoughts and emotions. And during this sermon, this was all I
could think about. I knew I had to do something, say something, but gosh I
didn’t want to. I wanted her to apologize to me for making me feel that way, or
I wanted to slowly return to normal without acklowdgin it. But God really put
this on my heart so when I came back to our room I talked to her and apologized
and explained that I recognized this tendency in myself and I was trying to
change, and I wanted her to know that I will always support and love her, and
asking her to forgive me. This greatly restored our relationship. And then I realized
that I had to continue this. That I had to give my relationships to God, and
depend on his guidance. Which is just making me realize more and more each day
different aspects of my life that need God’s will and not my own.
This is one example of my
consistent realization that my life is not my own. That I have to stop thinking
about what makes me most comfortable and what I can’t stand in other people and
instead look for God and live for him. I was not created to judge, hate, or be
stubborn , what purpose would this serve for God? I am blessed with a life for
good works, a life intended to demonstrate Christ’s love. I need God, at all
time, in everything, for everything. So though I am terrified of the new ways God
will demonstrate that I am not living for him completely, I pray for love, an
ever-abundant love for God, for people, for my purpose here.
It is an overwhelming experience
to fall into the hands of the living God, to be invaded to the depths of one’s
being by his presence, to be, without warning, wholly uprooted from all
earth-born securities and assurances, and to be blown by a tempest of
unbelievable power which leaves one’s old proud self utterly, utterly
defenseless, until one cries. Then is the soul swept into a Loving center of
ineffable sweetness, where calm and unspeakable peace and ravishing joy steal
over one.
So this is what I want, this is
what I need. God make me abundantly aware of my vulnerability and the tears
that I deny.
Your will be done.
Anneliese
No comments:
Post a Comment