...To Die is Vulnerability

"To live is Christ and to die is vulnerability."

Vulnerability has been something God's been challenging me with a lot in the last year. I can think of one specific time during this last school year where He gave me the opportunity to choose vulnerability or to choose to not be vulnerable.

Let's set the scene: It was halfway through fall quarter. I had just gotten back from CRU's Fall Retreat. I was leading a bible study of freshman girls. And I was taking a full (and tough) load of classes. The retreat was incredibly dry, bible study was frustrating, and I was completely overwhelmed and burnt out.

There's a few past and current Sonshiners here in SLO who try to get coffee and hang out once a week. It's always a refreshing time to check in with them to see how they're doing, and let them know how I'm doing. Well...this week during fall quarter, it got to be my turn to "check-in" with them and this thought ran through my head, "I could tell them how I'm really feeling, or I could just say that everything is okay." I had the choice to be vulnerable or to not be vulnerable. I chose to not be vulnerable. I went on, telling them that my week was going well, that everything was good. It wasn't until later that day that I realized exactly what I did. I texted my best friend (also a Sonshiner who was at coffee with me earlier in the day) and just said "I should have told you this this morning, but I chose not to...this week/quarter has been really hard..." and I went on to explain.

Throughout the week God totally wrecked my life. He showed me that my choice of not being vulnerable limited my friends' involvement in my life. I didn't let them even have the chance to support me. He showed me that as much as I desire/need support from them...they also desire to support me. They were people who I knew I could be vulnerable with and who I had been vulnerable with in the past, and I still consciously chose not to tell them what was really going on. And the worst part was...they had no idea I did anything. The next time I met with them, I started the conversation with an apology and chose vulnerability. I told them about the previous weeks, and how God wrecked my life when I chose not to be real with them. And let me tell you, it was so freeing. The weight I had felt on my shoulders lifted and I was able to receive their love and support because they actually knew I needed it.

I believe that vulnerability is going to be vital out on the water this summer. Not only for the sake of the person being vulnerable, but for the people they are sharing with too. As a team we want/need to support one another, and the only way we will truly be able to do that is if we know how each person needs to be supported. I want to challenge all of us to commit to being vulnerable this summer. With campers. With church staff. With barneys. With our teams. With admin. With ourselves. And with God.

Vulnerability is laying down your pride. Vulnerability is admitting you don't have it all together. Vulnerability is knowing it's okay to say you're struggling. Vulnerability is sharing what God is doing in the recesses of your heart. Vulnerability is talking to campers. Vulnerability is talking to admin. Vulnerability is being open. Vulnerability is uncomfortable. Vulnerability is to die. But in vulnerability there is freedom. In vulnerability there is support. In vulnerability there is love. In vulnerability...there is life.