Solitude

Hmmmm... solitude.
Being alone with God seems to be hard for me. In the midst of my studying, living in the dorms, being surrounded by people, and doing all of my daily activities, I find it hard to make time for God.
Reading this week's solitude really hit me hard. I realized how silly it is that I can't make time for the creator of the earth.

I am gonna be real these past weeks have been rough, and so I find myself only doing my devo time once a week and then blog about it.
The issue becomes I end up feeling helpless and out of control because I won't let the King of the World hear my problems. The other night I literally fell on my knees in prayer, weeping in the fact that I haven't spent quality time with my father in quite some time. Shocker...God bringing me to my knees...again.

Reading this weeks devo wrecked me, even within the first paragraph:
"The purpose of solitude and the challenge of solitude is to allow ourselves to become silent enough to allow this interior silence to emerge. Silence is the language of the Spirit. Solitude is the discipline that teaches us to speak the language of silence."
The language of silence. The language of the Spirit and therefore the language of God. Oh my goodness how I would love to be fluent in that language. However, that takes discipline, discipline that I seem to be lacking in lately. Discipline, that I am continually going to challenge myself to have.

I think Kristen Anema put it perfectly:
"If I do not spend time alone listening to God, I will not deal with the sins in my life. that's just a problem I have. Although it's painful and I hate being so exposed, if I am really trusting Him to take control of the time, the peace experienced afterwards is beyond comparison to any wonderful thing. So at the bottom of it all.. solitude is really a trust issue!"

To me silence means vulnerability. Vulnerability correlates directly to hurt and pain, in my head. To be vulnerable to God means that he could reveal things that I don't want to know about myself. So as a result I push away so that I don't have to deal with these things. I feel like such a rebellious child at times. The little kids that throw temper tantrums in the store because there parents won't give them what they want. That's me, in full on temper tantrum mode because being with God isn't easy. But in the end that little kid learns a lesson and eventually they mature. I just need to be vulnerable to change.

This week I read through James 4 and this verse just stuck out to me. It hit me hard because it talks about humilty and drawing closer to God.
James 4: 7-10
"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸ Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹ Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."


So my goal is this week and for the future is to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable to God, to my friends, and my team. 


I love you guys so much and am praying for you all!
-micaela