Sorry guys, I haven't blogged the last couple of weeks. I seemed to keep prioritizing the unimportant instead.

I miss you all a lot and can't wait for tonight :)

Submission

"It is an overwhelming experience to fall into the hands of the living God, to be invaded to the depths of one's being by His presence, to be, without warning, wholly uprooted from all earth-born securities and assurances, and to be blown by a tempest of unbelievable power which leaves one's old proud self utterly, utterly defenseless..."



There is security in living for yourself, because it's so easy...and submitting to God's control means saying yes to assailing into a lifestyle you don't understand, assailing into the unknown and being met in "awful intimacy".... What human is drawn to "awful intimacy"? We like to hide behind our shells.

It's a challenge every day for me to ask God to take over, because it doesn't feel natural. I have to give up the control I so desperately desire and feel like I deserve, but I forget that God's plan for me is bigger than anything I could ever make. He's omnicient and knows what's best for me, and that's so hard for me to grasp. I'm never disappoined, though, when I give in to God's will. I know that it's always the best path and that it fulfills you more than...well anything. Nothing gives you the same peace.

"To live is Christ and to die is...
1. Having people walk over me.
3. Being taken advantage of.
4. Invisibility.
8. Vulnerability."


Those four lifestyle choices are soo hard.... Because I don't want to be walked all over..... I want to be seen, and I want people to perceive me the way I try to portray myself. God's really working on me in these areas. He's humbling me and breaking down my walls, because in order to be intimate with other followers of Christ, I have to reveal my true self. I have to put myself at the bottom of the ladder and be willing to be invisible and manipulated. Because I'm not living for myself anymore. I'm lving for something greater. For someone greater. For a purpose.

"Jesus, please allow your blood to infuse this body with light, love, and compassion. Grow your seed of faith in me such that I trust you to let your blood define, enlighten, and fill my heart and mind..."

I loved itt...:)

Solitude

It's funny... I took  break inbetween writing about submission and solitude, and my mind was filling with stresses and clutter. I was crying out to God to put my mind at peace and save me from the loudness inside my brain that wouldn't let me focus on anything.

Then, I read these first lines... "...Silence is there within us. What we have to do is enter into it, to become silent, to experience the solitude. The purpose of solitude and the challenge of soliude is to allow ourselves to become silent enough to allow this interior silence to emerge. Silence is the language of the Spirit....."

No devotion has ever...ever hit me as hard as this one. I feel like it's speaking directly to me. I totalllly run to crowds to escape hearing the words of Jesus. I'm constantly in the "process of adjusting my public image" and justifying my actions. It is such a trust issue that I need help giving to God. Making my mind silent is one of the hardest things for me to do.. and that's because I don't spend enough time in solitude.

Service

"But when we choose to be a servant, we give up the right to be in charge. There is great freedom in this. If we voluntarily choose to be taken advantage of, then we cannot be manipulated. When we choose to be a servant, we surrender the right to decide who and when we will serve. We become available and vulnerable."

Giving up the right to be in charge. This reminds me of submission again. Being a servant means allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. This is something I've often struggled with. People have told me that I let myself be manipulated too easily, so I've started to view it as something bad, making me confused about how much to give and who to give to.

"When we choose to serve, we are still in charge. We decide whom we will serve and when we will serve. And if we are in charge, we will worry a great deal about anyone stepping on us, that is, taking charge over us."

^
That sounds miserable.

I'd rather live in the truth that I should be putting others above me, like Jesus did. I don't want to serve (with restrictions and guidelines). I want to be a servant, especially this summer, giving up my interests in puruit of loving on others. That sounds SO much more fulfilling.